Wednesday, February 23, 2005

No Pony



Back in my freshman year of college when I worked in the law school copy room, a few of us were just sitting around doing nothing in particular between the "must have photocopies NOW" rushes. One girl was talking about her particularly romantic weekend with her boyfriend, and another one sighed, "I want a boyfriend!"
I laughed, then sighed, "I want a pony!" She saw the humor in my comment, and we had a good chuckle.

But I'm sighing now.

It's not even an issue of jealousy. Most of the JETs I know are single, and I don't envy any of them who have left their significant others back home; this is the best time in my life to move halfway around the world, unattached as I am.

Still...

Normally my baseline is a general feeling of, "Yeah, I'd like a boyfriend, but I'm in no hurry to get one." Sometimes it weirds me out to think of spending the rest of my life attached to someone, and sometimes it's the most pleasant thought in the world, but most of the time I'm simply content.
But there's something about Japan... probably not Japan itself, but there's something about me being in Japan that makes my desire for attachment stronger. I feel sorrowful lonesome at times, during a period of my life when I'm experiencing so many new things, and the people with whom I am normally close can't understand. I have friends here, both Japanese and foreign, and they're all great, but I'm beginning to wish more and more for someone I can call mine. Someone with whom to be quiet together. Someone to whom I can say, "You know what So'n'so said today?" and he knows exactly why it's so hilarious. Or poignant, or whatever.

I suppose I can be thankful that I don't have some Mr. Unattainable in mind; that would drive me truly insane. Been through that before.

Here I am
Take my hand
Lead me to the promised land
I'll take you there
if you're ready
Dance with me in some fields
Move with me, you've got the deal
You can't hide
Disguise is futile

Make me see summer is ready
Make me feel complete
Take me to the forever show
Make me feel complete

-shapeshifter, "Move with Me"

4 comments:

Kallese said...

Funny...I find myself more and more wishing that I were living alone. Funny how that works.

jumex said...

Oh Em! You'll find someone for you, I know it. I doubt many people could turn down your charms. And when you find him, that will be a lucky guy indeed.

If you ever want to talk about stuff, let me know.

-trv

Emily Watkins said...

Kallese: I can't fully appreciate that sentiment, but I kind of understand it. Those are the times when I wonder how much of what I'm feeling has to do with being in a foreign country, and how much of it has to do with being on my own for the first time. So I'm glad that, at least for now, I've got my own place. Now I just want someone I can hold hands with, someone who makes my heart beat faster when I see him, someone with whom I can have real conversations so I can stop these imaginary conversations in my head... mushy stuff like that. I know there's more to a relationship than the mush, but that never seems to stop anyone.

I try not to forget to take a step back every now and then and think of what's nice about being single.

Trev: So I keep telling myself. :) Some days I wonder, but most of the time I agree with you. It makes it easier to be patient and not desperate.

Hanging out with people who don't think I'm too logical for my own good always helps.

jjs said...

Hi Em. Glad I found your blog. I've always enjoyed your sense of humor. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Judy from the physics library was asking about you.

Stay well. Peace.